Breaking Free: Navigating Relationships With Alcoholics

Being in a relationship with an alcoholic can be emotionally exhausting and taxing. It can be challenging to decide when to break off a relationship with an alcoholic, and there is no right way to do it. However, if the relationship has become abusive or unsafe, it is important to seek help immediately. Before ending things, it is crucial to make a concrete decision and be gentle and understanding during the conversation. It is also important to remember that the alcoholic's behaviour is not a reflection of you, and taking care of yourself is paramount.

Recognise signs of alcoholism and its impact on you

Recognising signs of alcoholism and its impact on you is an important step in understanding whether it is time to break off a relationship with an alcoholic. Alcohol use disorder, or alcoholism, is a common medical condition in which people are unable to stop drinking, even when it negatively affects their health, safety, and personal relationships.

Some signs that your partner may be struggling with alcoholism include:

• Lying about or hiding their drinking
• Regularly blacking out after drinking
• Being unable to stop drinking once they have started
• Drinking in dangerous situations, such as before work or driving
• Neglecting responsibilities at work, school, or home
• Increased alcohol tolerance
• Experiencing withdrawal symptoms when trying to reduce or stop drinking

Being in a relationship with an alcoholic can be emotionally taxing and exhausting. You may find yourself constantly worrying about your partner, covering for them, or making excuses for their behaviour. Alcoholism can also lead to financial difficulties, stress from managing household responsibilities alone, and frequent conflict surrounding your partner's alcohol abuse. Additionally, research has shown that alcohol dependence can increase the risk of domestic violence within a relationship.

It is important to remember that your partner's alcoholism is not your fault, and you are not responsible for their actions or behaviour. While it can be challenging to consider ending a relationship, prioritising your own well-being and safety is crucial.

Seek help from professionals, e.g. addiction counsellors

Breaking off a relationship with an alcoholic can be emotionally taxing and exhausting. If you are fearful or unsure about how to confront your partner, it is perfectly okay to seek help from professionals, such as addiction counsellors or therapists.

Addiction counsellors are trained to help individuals struggling with substance abuse and their loved ones. They can provide you with the tools and support you need to navigate this challenging situation effectively and safely. They can also help you rehearse your approach and have a plan in place when addressing your partner's alcohol abuse.

In the United States, SAMHSA's National Helpline (1-800-662-HELP (4357)) is a free, confidential, 24/7 treatment referral and information service for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders. Trained information specialists can answer calls, transfer callers to state services or intake centres in their states, and connect them with local assistance and support. They will not ask for any personal information, but they may request geographic information to identify local resources that meet your needs.

Additionally, if you are concerned about your partner's behaviour and fear for your safety or that of your children or pets, it is crucial to seek help immediately. Speak to an addiction counsellor, your doctor, or a domestic abuse service in your area.

Remember, it is important to take care of yourself and make your own needs a priority. Breaking up with an alcoholic partner can be challenging, and seeking professional help can provide you with the guidance and support you need throughout this process.

Prepare to have an open and honest conversation

Breaking off a relationship with an alcoholic can be emotionally taxing and exhausting. It is understandable to want to break up with an alcoholic if the relationship is hurting one or both individuals. Alcoholism is a legitimate medical condition that can get better with treatment. However, the alcoholic must take responsibility for their actions and choose to walk on the path to recovery themselves.

Preparing to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about their alcohol abuse can be challenging, but it is crucial. Here are some steps to help you prepare:

Make a Concrete Decision

Firstly, be sure about your decision to break up. Going back and forth can be harmful to both individuals. Recognize and acknowledge that your partner's alcoholism is affecting you severely, and decide firmly that it is time to address the issue.

Seek Support

Consider seeking support from a professional before having the conversation. You may want to see an addiction counsellor or therapist on your own to rehearse your approach and have a plan in place. They can help you prepare for the conversation and ensure you feel ready to address the topic.

Choose an Appropriate Time and Place

Select a time and place where you and your partner are unlikely to be interrupted and can have a calm, private conversation. Ensure you are in a safe and comfortable environment where you feel able to express your thoughts and emotions openly.

Prepare What You Want to Say

Before the conversation, take time to reflect on your thoughts and feelings. Write down the points you want to address, including specific examples of how their actions have impacted you and the relationship. Be honest about your feelings, but also try to approach the conversation with gentleness and understanding of their disease.

Involve a Counsellor or Therapist

If you feel it is necessary, consider having a counsellor or relationship therapist present during the conversation. They can help mediate the discussion and provide professional insight and guidance.

Remember, it is normal to feel nervous or afraid about having this conversation. Take care of yourself and make your own needs a priority. Breaking up with an alcoholic partner can be challenging, but it might be the healthiest decision for both of you in the long run.

Prioritise your own needs and make a firm decision

Being in a relationship with an alcoholic can be emotionally taxing and exhausting. It can be challenging to decide to break up with an alcoholic partner because of fear—fear of their reaction, fear of them not functioning without you, or fear of being alone. However, it is important to prioritise your own needs and make a firm decision about the relationship.

First, recognise that your partner's alcoholism is not your fault. Alcoholism is a disease, and people with alcohol addiction often have little control over their actions and emotions. Their addiction may lead them to engage in dangerous behaviours, but you cannot change them, and you are not responsible for their actions. It is also important to remember that you cannot help someone just by loving them. They need to choose to seek help and commit to recovery themselves.

Consider the impact the relationship is having on you. Ask yourself if the relationship is hurting you or both individuals involved. Are you experiencing financial difficulties, stress from managing household responsibilities alone, or frequent conflict due to your partner's alcohol abuse? Are you worried about your partner's health and well-being? Are you lying, making excuses, or covering up for your partner's drinking? Are you blaming yourself for their actions? If so, it may be time to prioritise your own needs and well-being by ending the relationship.

Before ending the relationship, seek support for yourself. Consider attending therapy or counselling to help you make a firm decision and prepare for the break-up conversation. You can also contact confidential helplines, such as SAMHSA's National Helpline, to get referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organisations. Additionally, you can attend Al-Anon meetings, which are support groups for people struggling with a loved one's drinking problem.

Making a firm decision about the break-up is crucial. Going back and forth can be harmful to both individuals. Remember that you cannot force your partner to change, and if they are unwilling to seek help, it may be time to prioritise your own needs by ending the relationship.

Look after yourself, let go of guilt and move on

Leaving a relationship with an alcoholic can be emotionally taxing and exhausting. It is completely understandable for someone to break up with an alcoholic if they feel like the relationship is hurting one or both individuals.

Look after yourself

It is important to remember that you cannot help someone just by loving them or putting their needs before yours. You may feel like you can put them on the right path, but they can only get on that path if they choose to. While the alcoholic needs to take responsibility for their behaviour, you also need to take responsibility for your own well-being. You might have found yourself worrying about your partner, covering for them, making excuses, or even lying on their behalf. Chances are, you might even blame yourself for some of their actions. But remember, your partner's abuse has nothing to do with you. Their alcoholism is not your fault. There is nothing you can do to save them or stop them from engaging in dangerous behaviours. All you can do is take care of yourself and make your own needs a priority.

Let go of guilt

You might feel guilty about breaking up with your partner, but it's important to remember that your partner's alcoholism is not your fault. You might have stayed in the relationship out of fear—fear of their reaction, fear of them not functioning without you, or fear of being alone. It's natural to want to protect yourself and your partner, but staying in a relationship with an alcoholic because you're afraid is not healthy. If fear is what's keeping you in the relationship, seek help from a mental health professional.

Move on

Breaking up with an alcoholic can be difficult, but it might be the healthiest decision for both of you. To fully move on from the relationship and learn how to put yourself first, it may be beneficial to attend therapy on your own. You can also seek support from friends and family, or reach out to support groups and community-based organisations. Remember, there is no "right" way to break up with an alcoholic, but there are some key things to remember. Make a concrete decision about the break-up and try to be gentle and understanding of their disease. Have an open and honest dialogue about the state of your relationship and how their actions have made you feel. If necessary, it may be helpful to involve a counsellor or therapist in the conversation.

Frequently asked questions