Arielle Cruz
Alcoholism is a disease that can affect not just the person drinking but also their friends and family. It can be heartbreaking to watch a friend struggle with alcohol addiction, but as their friend, you are in a unique position to help them. It's important to recognise the signs of alcohol addiction, such as a friend no longer wanting to do activities unless alcohol is involved, drinking much faster and more than others, or showing new signs of mental health issues. If you're worried about a friend's drinking, you can start by expressing your concerns in a kind and understanding way. It's best to avoid accusations, threats, or criticism, and instead, focus on specific incidents and concrete behaviours. You can also encourage your friend to seek professional help, whether that's through a doctor, support groups, or therapy. Remember that recovery is an ongoing process, and your friend will need your support and guidance along the way.
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What You'll Learn
Recognise the signs of alcohol addiction
Recognising the signs of alcohol addiction in a friend can be difficult, especially if you don't live together or see each other regularly. Alcohol misuse can manifest in various ways, and it's important to remember that your friend may be in denial about their problem. Here are some signs that may indicate your friend is struggling with alcohol addiction:
- They no longer want to participate in activities you used to enjoy together unless alcohol is involved.
- They refuse to engage in social situations unless alcohol is present.
- They drink at a much faster pace and in larger quantities than others in your group.
- You notice prolonged periods of absence, and they may ignore your messages and calls.
- They exhibit signs of mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression, which weren't present before.
- They lie about their drinking habits or try to downplay their alcohol consumption.
- They are either drunk or recovering from a hangover every time you see them.
If you notice several of these signs, it may be an indication that your friend is struggling with alcohol addiction. It's important to approach the topic with sensitivity and care, as denial is common among individuals with alcohol addiction. Remember that your support and encouragement can make a significant difference in their journey towards recovery.
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Prepare what to say and how to say it
Before you talk to your friend, it's a good idea to prepare what you want to say and how you want to say it. This can help ease any nerves or doubts you may have. It's important to approach the conversation with care and to be ready to speak to them with a kind and understanding tone, rather than an accusatory or angry one. Plan to have this conversation when your friend is not under the influence and in a setting where you can both concentrate.
- Use "I" statements: Express your concerns directly but empathetically using "I" statements. For example, "I understand that you are struggling, but I am concerned about you."
- Focus on specific incidents: If your friend denies having a problem, gently remind them of specific incidents where their drinking led to negative outcomes. Presenting evidence in this way can help them recognise the bigger picture.
- Ask how you can help: Ask open-ended questions about how you can support your friend. For example, "How are you feeling?" and "What can I do to help?"
- Be honest and admit your limitations: Let your friend know that you don't have all the answers, but you are willing to learn and support them.
- Listen: Make sure to listen to your friend's thoughts and concerns without interrupting.
- Avoid ultimatums and criticism: Avoid making threats or lecturing your friend, as this may cause them to become defensive or combative.
- Avoid stigmatising language: Remember that words like "addict" or "alcoholic" can be stigmatising and make your friend feel attacked. Instead, refer to your friend as a person with addiction.
- Encourage professional help: Suggest that your friend talk to a doctor or a specialist if they are not ready to talk to you. Offer to accompany them to appointments or support group meetings.
- Set boundaries: It's important to set boundaries to avoid enabling behaviours. This may involve having an open discussion with your friend's close family and friends about how to interact with your loved one.
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Understand your role in their recovery
Understand that your role in your friend's recovery is a crucial one. You are uniquely positioned to make a real difference. You know your friend better than most people, and your support could be the turning point they need. Your friend may start feeling empowered enough to ask for and accept help.
However, it is important to remember that recovery is ultimately something your friend has to do for themselves. You can be involved in the process, but you cannot make them change. You can, however, encourage them to seek help and offer to accompany them to doctor's appointments, group meetings, or counselling sessions. You can also sit with them while they call a helpline for advice.
It is also important to be aware of the potential challenges and risks of helping an alcoholic friend. For example, your friend may use the love you have for them against you, or they may try to manipulate you. Additionally, it is important to avoid enabling behaviours, such as providing financial support, which can undo the efforts of others to help your friend.
Finally, it is crucial to take care of yourself during this process. Addiction can impact everyone around the alcoholic, and it is important to seek support for yourself as well. Consider joining a support group, such as Al-Anon, or seeking therapy to help you set boundaries and learn how to best support your friend.
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Avoid common pitfalls
It is important to remember that addiction is a disease and not a moral failing or a personality type. It is also important to recognise your friend as a person with an addiction and not an alcoholic or an addict. Labelling or defining your friend by their addiction can make them feel attacked.
Do not try to face this alone. Turn to trusted friends, a support group, people in your faith community, or a therapist. Joining a group such as Al-Anon, a free peer support group for families dealing with a loved one's alcohol abuse, can be a good place to start. Listening to others facing the same challenges can serve as a source of comfort and support, and help you develop new tools for coping.
Do not enable your friend's addiction. As long as someone with an active addiction has access to money, the motivation to quit won't be there. Your friend may try to manipulate you into giving them money by pulling on your heartstrings. While it may be appropriate to help them financially if they are asking for help getting sober, you need to ask yourself some hard questions about whether the "help" you're providing is helping at all.
Avoid ultimatums or threats, lecturing, criticising, or blaming your friend. This can cause them to become defensive and be less willing to hear what you're saying. Research shows that confrontational interventions are not likely to help and could make the situation worse.
Be aware that your friend may be in denial about their addiction. Give them time to recognise the problem themselves, but gently nudge them by reminding them of specific incidents where their drinking led to unpleasant outcomes.
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Seek support for yourself
It's important to seek support for yourself when helping a friend through their alcoholism. This is because addiction impacts everyone, not just the person who drinks. Therapy can help you set boundaries, end any enabling behaviours, and learn what to say and do to help your friend and yourself. It can also help you process any negative emotions you may be feeling as a result of your friend's alcoholism.
Consider joining a support group such as Al-Anon, one of the oldest and largest support groups for friends and family of alcoholics. Al-Anon is a fellowship group designed to help people affected by a loved one's drinking behaviour. Meetings take place in person, on the phone, and online, making them accessible to most. Members of Al-Anon practice the same 12 steps that are the foundation of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Meetings serve as an opportunity to share experiences, exchange feelings of hope, and learn about the warning signs and lifelong effects of alcohol use disorder (AUD).
If you are in the US, you can also contact SAMHSA's National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organisations.
Remember, you don't have to go through this alone. Reach out for help and support, and take care of yourself while supporting your friend.
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Frequently asked questions
There are several signs that may indicate your friend has a problem with alcohol. These include:
- They no longer want to do activities you used to enjoy together unless alcohol is involved.
- They are drinking much faster and far more than everyone else in the group.
- They become violent when drinking, drive drunk, or drink at inappropriate times.
- They experience withdrawal symptoms such as nausea, tremors, and insomnia when they haven't been drinking.
It's important to approach the conversation with care and kindness. Be calm and direct, and express your concerns without being accusatory or angry. Focus on specific incidents and observable behaviours and consequences. It may be helpful to talk to mutual friends beforehand to understand the extent of the issue, and consider having a group conversation with your friend so they know everyone is worried about them.
Many people struggling with alcohol addiction are in denial. It's important to give them time to recognise the problem themselves, but you can gently remind them of specific incidents where their drinking led to negative outcomes. Try to avoid ultimatums, threats, lectures, criticism, or blame, as this may cause them to become defensive.
You can be there for your friend by offering to accompany them to doctor appointments, group meetings, or counselling sessions, and by simply being present so they have company and someone to talk to. You can also encourage them to talk to a doctor or addiction specialist, and seek support for yourself through therapy or support groups such as Al-Anon.
