Confronting Denial: Talking To An Alcoholic

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a condition characterised by an impaired ability to stop or control alcohol use despite adverse social, occupational, or health consequences. Denial is a common aspect of AUD, with many individuals minimising the impact of their drinking or blaming external factors for their consumption. This can be incredibly frustrating for loved ones, but there are ways to approach the conversation productively. It's important to remember that acknowledging AUD can be overwhelming and frightening, so staying calm, supportive, and non-judgmental is crucial. Open-ended questions about alcohol use and its impact on health, career, and personal life can be a great way to start the conversation. It's also essential to avoid enabling behaviours and to set boundaries, as this can help individuals with AUD recognise the need for change. Professional interventionists and clinicians can play a crucial role in guiding individuals towards recovery, and it's important to remember that no one can be rushed or pushed into recovery.

Be empathetic, calm, and supportive. Avoid anger and accusations

When talking to an alcoholic in denial, it's important to remain empathetic, calm, and supportive. This means actively listening to them without judgment, allowing them to share their perspective and experiences. Avoid making them feel defensive by using confrontational language or labels like "alcoholic." Instead, express your concern about their behaviours and the consequences they may be facing. Use "I" statements to convey your feelings and observations without placing blame, such as "I feel worried when I see..."

It's crucial to approach the conversation with sensitivity and patience, acknowledging that the person may be struggling with powerful emotions like shame, stress, and fear. Remember that denial is often a self-defense mechanism, and the person may be unable to face the truth about their alcohol misuse. Speaking from a place of support and a genuine desire to help, rather than leading with judgment or anger, is essential. Conversations that involve anger and accusations are likely to fail.

Ask open-ended questions about their alcohol use and let them lead the conversation. For example, you could ask how they feel their drinking might be affecting their health, career, and personal life. This can help the person with an alcohol use disorder (AUD) feel more at ease and may be the first step towards recovery. It's also important to avoid making excuses for their drinking or enabling their behaviour. Instead, set boundaries and offer support and information about professional help, such as therapy or support groups.

Remember, the goal is to create an environment of trust and openness, where the person feels understood and cared for. This can be challenging, and it's important to seek professional guidance if needed. With patience, empathy, and the right strategies, you can effectively approach a conversation with an alcoholic in denial.

Ask open-ended questions about their alcohol use and its effects

When talking to an alcoholic in denial, it is important to remember that acknowledging Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) can be overwhelming and frightening for the person struggling with it. It is natural to be concerned and want to help your loved one. However, it is important to remember that no one can be rushed or pushed into recovery.

Asking open-ended questions about their alcohol use and its effects can be a great way to start the conversation. Here are some ways to do this:

• Ask how they feel their drinking might be affecting their health, career, and personal life. This can help them recognize the consequences of their addiction and behaviours.
• Ask about their drinking patterns, such as how often they drink, how much they typically consume, and if they have ever tried to cut down or control their drinking.
• Explore their thoughts and feelings about alcohol. For example, you could ask if they feel they are still in control of their drinking, or if they have ever felt guilty or ashamed about their drinking.
• Discuss the role of alcohol in their life and how it may have changed over time. For instance, you could ask if there are certain situations or emotions that trigger their drinking.
• Talk about their support system and if they feel comfortable seeking help. It is important to let them know about the options available, such as therapy treatment sessions or support groups.

Remember to approach the conversation with empathy and a non-judgmental attitude. Speaking angrily or accusingly is likely to hinder the conversation. Express your concern for their health and well-being, and let them know that you care. It may also be helpful to seek professional guidance on the best time and place to approach the person struggling with alcohol use.

Avoid approaching when they're intoxicated

Approaching a loved one who is struggling with alcohol use disorder (AUD) can be challenging, especially when they are in denial. Here are some reasons why you should avoid approaching them when they are intoxicated:

Safety concerns

The first reason is safety. When an individual is under the influence of alcohol, their judgement and impulse control may be impaired. This means that they may be more prone to acting on their impulses without fully considering the consequences. This could potentially lead to unsafe or harmful situations for both themselves and those around them.

Lack of receptiveness

An intoxicated person may not be in a state where they can fully comprehend or receive what you are saying. Their ability to process information, particularly more complex or emotionally charged topics, may be hindered due to the effects of alcohol. Therefore, the conversation may not be as effective as it would be if they were sober.

Potential for denial

Intoxication can also cloud an individual's perception of their drinking habits. They may be more likely to deny that they have a problem or minimize the impact of their alcohol consumption. This is because alcohol can impair their ability to accurately assess their behaviour and make them feel more confident or invulnerable, leading to a false sense of control over their drinking.

Emotional volatility

Intoxication can also lower inhibitions and heighten emotions, making the individual more emotionally reactive. This could lead to an outburst or an argument, especially if they feel confronted or accused. It is important to approach conversations about AUD with empathy and support, which may be more challenging when the person is intoxicated and potentially less emotionally receptive.

Alternative strategies

Instead of approaching them when they are intoxicated, it is recommended to wait until they are sober or less intoxicated. This increases the likelihood of a productive conversation. It is also suggested to seek professional guidance on the best time and place to approach your loved one. Additionally, remember that you cannot force someone to stop drinking. Offer them steps they can take to address the problem, such as suggesting helplines, therapy, or support groups.

Don't enable their drinking or make excuses for them

When dealing with an alcoholic in denial, it is important to not enable their drinking or make excuses for them. Enabling behaviour can take many forms, from covering for the alcoholic to doing their work, paying their bills, bailing them out of jail, and generally taking up the responsibilities they have abandoned. While these actions may be driven by love and concern, they ultimately prevent the alcoholic from facing the consequences of their actions and realizing the severity of their problem.

It is crucial to set healthy boundaries and not be around the alcoholic when they are drinking. This can help protect yourself while also holding the alcoholic accountable for their actions. Instead of making excuses for their behaviour, offer supportive resources such as a list of treatment options, support groups, or therapy sessions. You can also encourage them to seek help by expressing your concern for their health and well-being.

Another aspect of enabling is giving in to the alcoholic's demands or justifications for their drinking. For example, the alcoholic may blame their drinking on others or external situations, such as a frustrating job or personal problems. They may also rationalize their drinking by making statements such as "I only drink to relieve stress" or "I haven't had a drink in a week." It is important to recognize these excuses for what they are and not enable the alcoholic to continue down this path of denial.

Additionally, it is important to avoid comparing their drinking to that of others. People with alcohol use disorder often compare themselves to those they perceive as worse off, using statements like "I don't drink as much as them" to normalize their own drinking patterns. By engaging in these comparisons, you unintentionally reinforce their denial and delay their recognition of the problem.

Finally, remember that denial is often a self-defense mechanism driven by powerful emotions such as shame, stress, and fear. The alcoholic may be unable to face the truth about their drinking due to these overwhelming feelings. By understanding this, you can approach the situation with empathy and offer support without enabling their drinking or making excuses.

Seek professional help and guidance on intervention

Seeking professional help is a crucial step in guiding an alcoholic in denial towards recovery. It is important to recognise that denial is often a self-defence mechanism, and many people with Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) are unaware of the extent of their problem or the impact on themselves and others.

Professional intervention can take various forms, and it is beneficial to understand the different options available. One option is to contact a professional interventionist, who will structure the planning process, guide the intervention team, and lead the event. This can be extremely helpful as an outside perspective can guide the process towards a beneficial conclusion and keep everyone focused. Interventionists can advise on the best time and place to approach the person, ensuring the conversation is productive and safe.

Another option is to consult a medical professional such as a doctor or therapist, who can provide clinical guidance and treatment options. This may include medication, behavioural therapies, or support groups. It is important to find the right therapy for the individual, as no single treatment will benefit everyone. Treatment should be tailored to the person's needs and may need to be adapted over time.

In addition to seeking professional help for the person with AUD, it is also important for friends and family to seek support for themselves. Caring for someone with alcohol problems can be stressful, and it is crucial for the support network to take care of their own mental health. Support groups for friends and family can be a good starting point and provide guidance on how best to support their loved one.

Finally, it is important to recognise that setbacks are common in the recovery process. Stressful periods or exposure to people and places associated with past drinking can trigger a return to drinking. Regular check-ins with a treatment provider can help prevent this, and medication can also deter drinking during high-risk periods.

Frequently asked questions