Theo Nash
Enabling an alcoholic means doing things for them that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober. It allows them to continue their destructive behaviour, and demonstrates that there will always be a system in place to fix problems created by their addiction. This slows down or even fully prevents recovery. Enablers are usually not aware of their negative behaviour and are motivated by wanting to help the alcoholic avoid the short-term consequences of addiction. It is often a combination of situations and the complexities of relationships that lead to enabling. While it can be difficult to recognise, knowing more about what enabling means and being able to spot the signs can help you learn to manage this behaviour.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Helping vs enabling | Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves. Enabling is doing things for someone that they could and should be doing themselves. |
| Denial | Denying the existence of an addiction |
| Minimizing the addiction | Making excuses for the alcoholic's behaviour, or accepting their excuses |
| Financial support | Giving money to the alcoholic, or paying their bills |
| Domestic support | Taking on domestic responsibilities, such as cleaning |
| Professional support | Taking on professional responsibilities, such as calling in sick to work |
| Ignoring unacceptable behaviour | Not setting boundaries, allowing the alcoholic to drink at home, etc. |
| Codependency | Excessive reliance on the alcoholic |
| Emotional pain | Enabling can be a way to cope with or avoid emotional pain |
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What You'll Learn
Understand the difference between helping and enabling
Enabling an alcoholic means doing things for them that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober. It allows them to continue their destructive behaviour, giving them the impression that there will always be a system in place to fix the problems caused by their addiction. Enabling can be a way to cope with or avoid emotional pain.
Helping, on the other hand, is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves. It does not protect a person who is misusing alcohol from the consequences of their actions. Helping can be empowering for both the helper and the recipient of help.
Enabling behaviours include:
- Giving money, even if it is not directly used to buy alcohol
- Paying bills
- Taking on domestic and professional responsibilities, such as cleaning or childcare
- Making excuses for their drinking or drug use
- Minimising the damage they are causing to themselves and others
- Drinking or using drugs with them, knowing they have an addiction
- Ignoring the problem
Ways to help without enabling include:
- Setting clear, specific, and time-oriented boundaries
- Joining a support group, such as Al-Anon, to learn how to help without enabling
- Focusing on what you can control and what you cannot
- Committing to not enabling the addict
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Recognise signs of enabling
Recognising signs of enabling is a crucial step towards helping a loved one struggling with alcohol misuse. Enabling behaviours allow a person with alcohol problems to continue their destructive drinking habits, knowing that someone will always rescue them from the consequences of their actions. Here are some signs that indicate enabling:
Ignoring their behaviour
Enabling often involves ignoring the problematic drinking habits of a loved one, making excuses for their behaviour, or covering up their actions. This can include lying to others, including friends, family, or employers, to hide the extent of the problem. Enabling behaviours may also involve minimising the addiction or convincing oneself that the person has it under control.
Financial support
Providing financial assistance to a person struggling with alcohol misuse can enable their addiction. This includes giving or loaning them money, which may indirectly support their drinking habits. Enabling can also take the form of paying their bills or other expenses resulting from alcoholism, such as legal fines.
Taking on additional responsibilities
Enabling can involve taking on domestic and professional responsibilities that the person should handle themselves. This may include calling their boss to report an absence from work, doing chores like cleaning, or taking on childcare duties.
Rescuing from dangerous situations
Enabling behaviours can also include "rescuing" the person from dangerous situations resulting from their drinking. For example, bailing them out of jail or preventing them from drink-driving. While these actions may be well-intentioned, they ultimately shield the person from facing the consequences of their drinking and may delay their decision to seek help.
Denial and avoidance
Enabling is often associated with denial about the severity of the person's drinking problem. This can lead to avoidance behaviours, where the enabler fails to confront the person about their drinking and instead looks for ways to minimise the issue. This dynamic can create a cycle of resentment where the enabler increasingly resents the person for continuing their addiction while feeling unable to express their true emotions.
Recognising these signs of enabling is essential for helping a loved one with alcohol misuse. It is important to set clear and specific boundaries to support them effectively without enabling their destructive behaviours. Support groups like Al-Anon can provide valuable guidance and support for loved ones of people struggling with alcohol misuse. Additionally, seeking professional help through treatment providers and helplines, such as the SAMHSA National Helpline, can offer confidential assistance and resources for navigating these challenging situations.
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Set clear boundaries
Setting clear boundaries is a crucial step in stopping enabling behaviours and empowering yourself to help your loved one struggling with alcohol misuse. Enabling allows the continuation of destructive behaviour and creates an atmosphere where the individual feels comfortable continuing their unacceptable behaviour. It is important to define the problem and make tough choices to curb enabling tendencies.
Firstly, it is essential to recognise the signs of enabling. Enabling behaviours include giving money, doing things the alcoholic should be doing (like calling in sick for work), rescuing them from legal consequences, minimising the addiction, making excuses for their behaviour, and ignoring your own needs to focus on theirs. Enabling can also be more subtle, such as monitoring their alcohol intake to prevent drink driving but allowing the long-term addiction to continue.
Once you have identified these enabling behaviours, you can set clear and specific boundaries. For example, you can tell them they cannot drink in your home and that if they do, they will have a limited time to find another place to stay. You can also choose to not spend time alone with them and instead be with others who are aware of the situation and can prevent enabling.
Boundaries are essential to protect both yourself and your loved one. While you cannot control their behaviour, you can choose not to suffer from it. It is important to remember that you cannot change the alcoholic, but you can control your responses.
Support groups like Al-Anon can provide valuable guidance on setting boundaries and helping your loved one without enabling. These groups offer support from others who have been in similar situations, helping you navigate the complexities of relationships with loved ones struggling with alcohol misuse.
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Don't ignore or deny the addiction
Enabling an alcoholic means doing things for them that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober. It allows the continuation of destructive behaviour and demonstrates to the alcoholic that there will always be a system in place to fix problems created by their addiction. This can slow down or even fully prevent recovery.
Enabling behaviours and resources include:
- Denial, minimising the addiction, or convincing yourself that the addict has it under control
- Monitoring alcohol intake, making sure they avoid drink driving and other dangerous activities, but allowing the long-term alcohol addiction to continue
- Making excuses for problematic behaviour or covering up negative actions
- Ignoring your own needs to focus on the needs of the alcoholic
- Giving money, not just to buy alcohol, but any money to help with missed work or other consequences of alcoholism
- Lying to others on behalf of the addict, covering up the addiction to friends, family, or employers
- Taking on domestic and professional responsibilities, including paying bills, childcare, or cleaning the house
- Drinking or using drugs with them, knowing they have an addiction
- Accepting their excuses for their drinking or drug use
- Always giving them "one more chance", no matter how many chances they've had
Enabling can be a sign of codependency, an excessive reliance on a person who may need more support because of addiction or illness. It can also be a way to cope with or avoid emotional pain.
To stop enabling an alcoholic, you can:
- Set clear, specific, and time-oriented boundaries. For example, "I will not allow you to drink in my home. If you do, you will have 24 hours to find somewhere else to stay."
- Seek support from organisations like Al-Anon, which helps loved ones of alcoholics cope with their behaviours and learn how to help without enabling.
- Connect with a treatment provider who can help. For example, SAMHSA's National Helpline is a free, confidential referral and information service for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
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Seek support from organisations like Al-Anon
Al-Anon is a support group for friends and family members of those struggling with an alcohol use disorder (AUD). It was founded in 1951 by Lois Wilson, whose husband founded Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Al-Anon is distinct from AA, which helps individuals recover from a drinking problem, whereas Al-Anon helps the friends and family of drinkers cope with the effects of someone's drinking.
Al-Anon meetings are conducted under a mantra that allows attendees to "take what they like and leave the rest". This means that meetings focus on sharing experiences and hardships rather than telling attendees what they should do. Each meeting topic tends to focus on a narrow aspect of the recovery process, such as coping strategies and how to deal with a crisis. The idea is that listening to the stories of others and sharing your own experiences will help you learn about addiction, feel less alone, and better understand and support the person with the drinking problem.
Al-Anon is not a religious program, but members do have an acceptance of a higher power. The term "higher power" is open to interpretation and members of all religions and beliefs are accepted, with no one forced to alter their beliefs. Anonymity is also a key principle of the program, with members respecting the confidentiality of what is said in meetings.
Al-Anon can be a great way to seek support and learn how to help your loved one without enabling their behaviour. It can help you to set boundaries and focus on what you can and cannot control.
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Frequently asked questions
Enabling is doing things for a person with alcohol use disorder that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober. Enabling allows the continuation of destructive behaviour and demonstrates to the alcoholic that there will always be a system to fix the problems created by their addiction.
Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves. Enabling is doing things for someone that they could and should be doing themselves. Enabling can be a sign of codependency, an excessive reliance on a person who may need more support because of addiction or illness.
Signs of enabling include giving money to the person with alcohol use disorder, doing things they should be doing, making excuses for their drinking, minimising the addiction, and ignoring their behaviour.
To stop enabling, it is important to set clear, specific, and time-oriented boundaries. For example, telling them that they cannot come to your home if they are drinking. It is also important to focus on what you can control and what you cannot. While you cannot change the alcoholic, you can control how you respond.
For further support, you can contact Al-Anon, a support group for those who love alcoholics and addicts but don’t know how to help, or the National Helpline for Mental Health, Drug, Alcohol Issues for confidential referrals and information.
