Vivian Marlowe
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a common medical condition that affects millions of people. People with AUD can't stop drinking, even when it negatively impacts their health, safety, and relationships. While it's important to be open and honest about your concerns, it's crucial to remember that you can't force someone to stop drinking. The choice to seek help is ultimately theirs. However, you can play a supportive role by offering steps they can take to address the problem, such as suggesting counselling, group meetings, or medical assistance. When approaching the topic, it's advisable to choose a calm, quiet, and private moment when the person is sober. It may take more than one conversation, and it's important to listen as much as you express your concerns.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Regularly neglecting responsibilities at home, work, or school | Alcohol is prioritized over other commitments |
| Binge drinking or drinking more than intended | Loss of control over alcohol consumption |
| Lying or covering up alcohol consumption | Secretive behaviour |
| Blacking out or memory loss | Alcohol-induced amnesia |
| Continuing to drink despite relationship problems | Alcohol prioritized over personal relationships |
| Self-medicating mental health problems with alcohol | Using alcohol as a coping mechanism |
| Experiencing behavioural changes | Increased anger, belligerence, or mood swings |
| Appearing intoxicated | Loss of physical control |
| Losing interest in relationships, work, or school | Neglected relationships |
| Unable to refuse alcohol | Craving beverages containing alcohol |
| Telling lies or being secretive about whereabouts | Dishonesty and concealment |
| Drinking to cope with stress or difficulties | Self-medication |
| Drinking to excess during the pandemic, economic uncertainty, or unemployment | Stress relief |
| Drinking despite negative impacts on life | Alcohol use disorder |
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What You'll Learn
Choose a good time
Timing is crucial when addressing a loved one's alcohol problem. It is recommended to choose a time when the person is not drinking and is in a good mood. Avoid talking first thing in the morning or when they have a hangover, as they may be irritable or in a rush to have that first drink of the day.
It is also important to ensure that both of you are calm and focused, and in a quiet, private place where you won't be interrupted. Turn off your phones and other devices to avoid distractions. If you are feeling nervous about the conversation, it may be helpful to write down what you want to say beforehand. This can help you stay calm and avoid saying something you may regret.
It is worth noting that it may take several attempts to have a meaningful conversation about their drinking. Be prepared for pushback and denial. Give them time and space to process your concerns and come to terms with their problem. Remember, they need to make the decision to change themselves, but talking to them may help them see things from a different perspective.
If you are unsure about what to say or how to approach the conversation, consider speaking to a therapist specialising in addiction. You can discuss your perception of the person's struggles and ask for guidance on how to navigate potentially difficult responses.
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Be caring and non-judgemental
When addressing a loved one's alcohol problem, it is important to be caring and non-judgemental. Here are some ways to do that:
Choose the Right Time and Place
Wait for a time when your loved one is sober and in a good mood. Pick a quiet and private place where you won't be interrupted. Turn off your phones and other devices to avoid distractions. This sets the stage for a calm and focused conversation.
Express Your Concerns in a Caring Way
Start by expressing your worries about their drinking habits and how it affects their health, your relationship, and the family. Share specific examples of how their drinking has had negative consequences. Be open and honest about your concerns, but remember that you cannot force them to stop. Focus on offering steps they can take to address the problem, such as suggesting treatment options or support groups.
Provide Facts and Information
Share information about the effects of alcohol on health, especially in older adults. Offer to share tools and resources that can help them make a change. Suggest activities that don't involve drinking alcohol, such as alcohol-free events or trips, to show that enjoyment doesn't always require alcohol.
Encourage Open Communication
Encourage your loved one to share their feelings and emotions without judgement. Give them positive reinforcement when they open up. Acknowledge that making changes is difficult, and celebrate their small successes along the way. Help them set realistic goals and provide ongoing support.
Seek Support for Yourself
Caring for someone with an alcohol problem can be emotionally taxing and stressful. Seek support from friends and family or counselling groups. Consider joining support groups specifically for loved ones of people with alcohol problems, such as Al-Anon. Taking care of yourself is crucial, as it will help you provide better support to your loved one and avoid burnout.
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Offer options, not demands
When addressing a loved one's alcohol problem, it's important to remember that you cannot force them to change. The decision to address their alcohol abuse must be theirs. However, you can offer them steps and options to tackle their problem.
Instead of saying, "You need to get help," present options by saying something like, "I was wondering if you would consider seeing a doctor to talk about your alcohol use." This approach respects their autonomy and allows them to choose the course of action that works best for them. You can suggest seeking help, but you cannot force them to take action if they are not ready.
Provide Treatment Options
Before speaking with your loved one, research viable treatment options. Make calls to treatment centres and gather information about different types of support, such as therapy, medication, support groups, or a combination of these approaches. When you approach your loved one, you can say, "I've done some research and found these treatment options." Presenting them with a list of readily available resources may make them more willing to consider treatment.
Suggest Alcohol-Free Activities
Propose activities you can do together that don't involve alcohol. Ask them what they would like to do, and respect their comfort level. Organising alcohol-free trips or events can show your loved one that it's possible to have fun without alcohol.
Encourage Open Conversations
Create a safe and non-judgmental space for your loved one to share their feelings and address the underlying causes of their drinking. Be prepared for pushback and denial, and don't take negative reactions personally. It may take several attempts to have a meaningful conversation, so be patient and persistent.
Express Your Concerns
Choose a calm, quiet, and private moment when your loved one is not drinking to express your worries about their drinking and how it affects their health, your relationship, and the family. Use specific examples to illustrate the consequences of their drinking. For instance, you can say, "I felt scared last night when you were shouting after drinking," or "I noticed you missed work a few times, and I'm worried about how drinking is impacting your life."
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Encourage them to open up
It can be challenging to talk to a loved one about their drinking problem. It is important to remember that you cannot force someone to stop abusing alcohol; the choice is ultimately theirs. However, you can encourage them to open up about the underlying causes of their alcohol abuse.
Firstly, educate yourself on addiction and alcohol abuse. Research the different types of treatment and self-help options available so that you can offer your loved one the support and resources they need. Timing is crucial. Choose a time when your loved one is not drinking, and you are both calm and focused. Select a quiet and private place where you won't be interrupted, and turn off your devices to avoid distractions.
Express your concerns in a caring and non-judgmental manner. Share your worries about their drinking habits and how it is impacting their health, your relationship, and the family. Be prepared for pushback and denial. Give them time and space to process your concerns and come to terms with their problem. Encourage them to share their feelings and acknowledge that addressing their alcohol abuse is challenging. Suggest activities you can do together that do not involve drinking, and ask them about their interests. Help them set small, realistic goals and celebrate their successes.
Offer options instead of demands. For example, say, "I was wondering if you would consider seeing a doctor to discuss your alcohol use" instead of "You need to get help." Provide them with a list of readily available resources, such as helplines, doctors, counsellors, treatment centres, or support groups. Remember, it may take multiple conversations for your loved one to seek help. By showing your support and concern, you can help them recognise their problem and encourage them to take steps towards recovery.
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Provide resources and solutions
If your loved one is struggling with alcohol misuse, there are a variety of resources and solutions that can help them address their problem and support their recovery. Here are some steps you can take:
Educate yourself about alcohol misuse and treatment options:
Before approaching your loved one, take the time to research and understand alcohol misuse, the signs and symptoms of alcohol use disorder (AUD), and the various treatment options available. This will enable you to have a more informed conversation and provide specific suggestions for help.
Offer specific treatment options:
Instead of making demands or issuing ultimatums, offer your loved one a list of viable treatment options. This could include suggesting they speak to a doctor or a counsellor, joining a support group, enrolling in a treatment program, or calling a helpline. Remember to present these options in a non-judgmental and caring manner.
Encourage open conversation:
Create a safe and supportive environment for your loved one to express their feelings and address the underlying causes of their alcohol misuse. Encourage them to share their thoughts and emotions without judgement. It may take multiple attempts and time for them to open up, so be patient and persistent.
Suggest alcohol-free activities:
Propose alternative activities that you can do together that do not involve alcohol. Ask your loved one about their interests and preferences, and plan alcohol-free outings or events. This will help them realise that it is possible to have fun and enjoy social situations without alcohol.
Set realistic goals and provide positive reinforcement:
Work with your loved one to set small, achievable goals and provide positive reinforcement when they make progress. Celebrate their successes and acknowledge the challenges they are facing. This will help boost their motivation and self-esteem during the recovery process.
Seek support for yourself:
Helping someone with an alcohol problem can be emotionally draining and challenging. Ensure you also take care of yourself by seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist. Consider joining a support group for loved ones of people with alcohol misuse or reaching out to a professional for guidance.
Remember, recovery from alcohol misuse is a journey, and it may involve setbacks and relapses. Remain compassionate, non-judgmental, and supportive throughout the process.
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Frequently asked questions
There is no specific amount of alcohol that indicates someone has a drinking problem. Rather, it is defined by how drinking affects their life. If their drinking is affecting their health, safety, or personal relationships, they may have a problem. You may also notice physical changes, such as bloodshot eyes, alcohol on their breath, sleeping more, or an unsteady gait.
It is important to avoid using terms such as "alcoholic" or "addict" as these are outdated and stigmatising. Instead, focus on the person and their behaviour. You should also avoid shaming, blaming, or making accusations, as this will likely cause the person to shut down.
Choose a time when the person is sober, calm, and focused. Pick a private place where you won't be interrupted, and turn off your phone and other devices to avoid distractions.
Express your concerns in a caring way. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and concerns and how their drinking has impacted you. Provide facts and information about how alcohol affects health, and ask if you can join them at a doctor or counsellor appointment.
You can offer steps they can take to address their problem, such as calling a helpline, talking to a doctor or counsellor, or entering treatment. You can also encourage them to set new limits and realistic ways of sticking to those limits, such as committing to days when they won't drink at all.
