Arielle Cruz
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic spouse or partner can be emotionally painful, complicated, and challenging. It can lead to financial difficulties, frequent arguments, and an unstable living situation. Alcoholism can cause serious psychological damage to both the alcoholic and their partner, and it can be difficult to know when it's time to leave. However, with the right support and treatment, it is possible to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with an alcoholic. This may involve seeking outside support, such as therapy or support groups, and encouraging the alcoholic to seek professional help for their addiction.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Emotional impact | Exhaustion, fear, sadness, anger, stress, worry, pain |
| Household impact | Increased responsibilities, financial pressure, neglect of children |
| Alcoholic's behaviour | Drinking in secret, neglecting responsibilities, refusal to accept problem, denial, aggression, abuse |
| Treatment | Inpatient, outpatient, medication-assisted treatment, therapy, support groups |
| Support for partners | Al-Anon, therapy, peer support groups, family support, self-care |
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What You'll Learn
Recognise the signs of alcoholism and when to seek help
Alcohol use disorder (AUD), or alcoholism, is a common medical condition characterised by an impaired ability to stop or control alcohol use despite adverse social, occupational, or health consequences. People with AUD may drink excessively despite the damage to their relationships or plan their life around their next drink. They may also experience physical symptoms such as cravings or withdrawal symptoms when they are not drinking.
Recognising the signs of AUD in a partner can be challenging, especially if they are what is known as a "high-functioning alcoholic". High-functioning alcoholics may appear to have their lives together, with successful careers and healthy finances, but this does not mean they are not facing problems. Signs of a high-functioning alcoholic may include:
- Intense mood swings between drinking and not drinking
- Failing to adhere to self-imposed drinking limits
- Prioritising drinking over other aspects of their life
- Rumours about their drinking
- Breaking personal commitments due to drinking
- Drinking in secret
- Disappearing for unexplained periods
- Neglecting responsibilities
If you recognise these signs in your partner, it is important to have an honest conversation about the impact of their drinking on you and your relationship. It is recommended to have this conversation when they are sober and to approach it from a supportive and loving place, rather than a judgmental or accusatory one. It is also crucial to seek outside support for yourself, such as through support groups or therapy, as dealing with an alcoholic partner can take a toll on your own health and well-being.
Remember, overcoming AUD requires a conscious choice to make changes and active participation in recovery. Treatment options include behavioural therapy, mutual-support groups, and medication. Studies show that most people can reduce their alcohol intake or stop drinking entirely with the right treatment and support.
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Understand the impact on your life and seek support
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic spouse or significant other can be emotionally painful and complicated. It can have a massive impact on your life, from causing physical and emotional exhaustion to straining your relationship and family life. You may be worried about your partner's health and well-being, and feel overwhelmed by taking on the majority of household duties and financial responsibilities. You may also experience constant stress, worry, sadness, and anger.
It is important to recognise the impact of your partner's alcoholism on your life and to seek support. Here are some ways to do that:
- Educate yourself about alcohol addiction: Understanding alcohol addiction can help you identify warning signs and enable you to have informed conversations with your partner about their drinking.
- Seek outside support: Build a trusted support system of friends and family, and support groups like Al-Anon, where you can connect with others going through similar experiences. Consider individual therapy to get the right level of support for yourself.
- Take time for self-care: Prioritise self-care and practice self-compassion. Get plenty of rest, eat well, exercise, and engage in activities that promote positive self-talk and well-being.
- Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and limits in your relationship. Express your concerns, let your partner know the impact of their drinking on you, and encourage them to seek professional help.
- Understand relapse: Recognise that relapse is common in recovery and be prepared for setbacks. Encourage your partner to cultivate new interests and sober social connections to support their long-term recovery.
- Consider the safety of yourself and others: If you feel that you or others in your household are physically or emotionally unsafe, it may be necessary to separate or seek external intervention.
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Learn how to talk to your partner about their drinking
Dealing with an alcoholic partner can be emotionally and physically draining. It can be hard to raise the subject of problem drinking with your partner, as you may worry about upsetting them or feel scared to face the issue. However, there are ways to talk to your partner about their drinking. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Do your research
Educate yourself on alcohol addiction, its treatments, and resources. This knowledge will help you explain the types of behaviour that are worrying you and recognise any attempts to deceive or undermine you.
Pick the right time
Choose a time when your partner is sober and in a good mood. Avoid talking first thing in the morning or when they have a hangover. If they refuse to talk, leave it for a while and try again later.
Be honest and direct
Let your partner know how their drinking is affecting you and others in your household. Keep the conversation centred on yourself, rather than them, to help them understand the emotional impact of their drinking. Use specific examples and avoid accusatory or judgemental language. For instance, say, "I was scared last night when you were shouting after drinking" instead of "You scare me when you drink".
Rehearse what you want to say
Writing down what you want to say will help you stay calm and avoid saying something you may regret. Aim for open-ended questions that don't have a yes or no answer. Give your partner time to think and respond before you say something else.
Offer support and create a plan
Let your partner know that you love them and will support them through their recovery. Admitting they have a problem can be scary, so knowing that they have your support can help them take the first step. However, remember that you can't do the recovery work for them. Instead, ask how you can assist them as they progress toward drinking less and abstaining from alcohol.
Seek outside support
Living with an alcoholic can have a serious effect on your health and well-being. It is important to have a support system of trusted people who can listen and support you. Consider joining a group like Al-Anon or seeing a therapist.
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Discover treatment options and how to support your partner's recovery
Alcohol addiction is a legitimate medical condition that can get better with treatment. Treatment options include:
- Inpatient or residential programs
- Community-based treatment
- Therapy
- Support groups, such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
If your partner is committed to getting help and making a change, you may want to stay and support them on their recovery journey. Here are some ways to do that:
- Be mindful of triggers: Alcohol is an obvious trigger, but stressors like difficult deadlines, financial worries, and relationship troubles can also trigger a relapse. Being mindful of these triggers can help your relationship in the long run.
- Encourage professional support: Withdrawing from alcohol can be dangerous and even life-threatening, so encourage your partner to seek professional support. Remind them that you're proud of them, and offer practical support when necessary.
- Have respectful and compassionate conversations: Clear, respectful, and compassionate communication is key. Be honest and direct about how their drinking is impacting you, and keep the conversation centered on yourself rather than being accusatory.
- Offer specific suggestions: Instead of telling your partner what not to do, offer specific alternatives. For example, suggest doing more things together that don't involve drinking, like going on a picnic or for a bike ride.
- Acknowledge their efforts: Recognize and acknowledge your partner's efforts every step of the way to strengthen your bond and encourage their ongoing commitment to recovery.
- Maintain your own life and boundaries: Supporting your partner doesn't mean planning your life around their addiction. Have your own friends, hobbies, routines, and opinions. Take care of yourself, honor your boundaries, and remember that you can't do the recovery work for your partner.
- Seek outside support for yourself: Dealing with an alcoholic partner can impact your own health and well-being. Seek support from friends, family, or groups like Al-Anon, where you can speak to others with similar experiences.
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Know when to leave an alcoholic partner
Alcohol addiction is a legitimate medical condition that can get better with treatment. However, it is important to know when to leave an alcoholic partner.
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic partner can be emotionally painful, as you watch them fall victim to alcohol abuse. You may also be overwhelmed with household duties, exhausted, and constantly stressed and worried about their health and well-being. Alcohol abuse can also lead to financial troubles, which can take a toll on your well-being and leave you feeling drained and overwhelmed. Over time, this stress can impact your mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, or even PTSD.
If you have children, their well-being may also be impacted by your partner's substance abuse. Alcoholism can lead to neglect of children as the alcoholic partner spends more time drinking or recovering from alcohol use. It can also lead to domestic violence within a relationship. Research shows that alcohol-dependent husbands are more likely to perpetrate violence against their wives.
If your partner refuses to acknowledge their problem and seek help, it may be time to leave. You may need to give an ultimatum, stating that you will leave unless they immediately enter treatment for alcohol addiction. If your partner's behaviour threatens your safety or well-being, or that of your family, it is natural to question staying in the relationship. Living with an alcoholic partner can be unpredictable, and you may constantly feel on edge, unsure of what might happen next. This can take a serious toll on your mental and physical health, leading to anxiety, distress, or even trauma.
It is important to remember that you cannot control or stop your partner's drinking. Alcoholics often drink in secret and deny that they have a problem. Withdrawing from alcohol can be dangerous and even life-threatening, so if your partner decides to stop, they should seek professional support.
If you are considering leaving an alcoholic partner, your safety and the safety of your children should be the priority. You can call a trusted person or a domestic violence hotline to seek help in planning the safest way forward.
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Frequently asked questions
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic can be emotionally painful and challenging. You may experience a range of emotions, including fear, sadness, and anger. You may also have to pick up more of the household responsibilities and deal with the stress and worry about your partner's health and well-being.
Offer support and create a plan for your partner's recovery journey. Educate yourself on alcohol addiction and treatment options, and encourage your partner to seek professional help. You can also involve friends and family who can provide additional support and help reduce stress.
If your partner refuses to acknowledge their alcohol problem or seek help, it may be time to consider leaving. Other warning signs include frequent arguments, abuse, neglect of responsibilities, and a negative impact on your physical and mental health.
It is important to separate the person from the disease. Understand that alcoholism is a legitimate medical condition that requires treatment. You can love an alcoholic but hate the disease of alcoholism and its impact on your relationship.
Do seek outside support from groups like Al-Anon or therapy. Do take time for yourself and practice self-care. Don't try to control or stop your partner's drinking, and don't cover up or enable their addictive behaviors. Focus on communicating the impact of their drinking on you and offering support for their recovery.
