Noah Vinter
Alcoholism is a progressive disease that can be challenging for both the alcoholic and their loved ones. It is common for family members to struggle with communication and engagement with their alcoholic relative, often finding themselves lured into senseless questioning and explosive diatribes. One of the most crucial pieces of advice for dealing with an alcoholic is to refrain from arguing or trying to reason with them. This is because alcohol clouds their thinking, impairing their ability to see things from others' perspectives and understand their feelings. Engaging in arguments with an alcoholic can lead to a dynamic where loved ones surrender their power and proactive choices, falling into a reactive pattern of behaviour. Therefore, it is recommended to detach and disengage from arguments, set clear boundaries, and encourage the alcoholic to seek outside help.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Alcoholics rarely listen past the first sentence | They will tune you out, walk away, or pretend to oblige |
| Alcoholics are masters of selective hearing | They are often in their own world |
| Alcoholics will try to blame their drinking on others | They will say things like "The only reason I drink is because you..." |
| Alcoholics will try to engage you in banter | They will say things like "I'm always letting you down" or "I guess I'm just a bad person" |
| Alcoholics will try to make you feel guilty | They will say things like "You don't care about me" or "You just want to leave me" |
| Alcoholics will try to question your love for them | They will say things like "You just don't love me anymore" |
| Alcoholics will try to make you feel like you are the one with the problem | They will say things like "Maybe I'm the one who needs to change" or "Why can't you accept me for who I am" |
| Alcoholics will try to manipulate you into feeling sorry for them | They will say things like "I'm trying my best to stop" or "I don't know why I can't control my drinking" |
| Alcoholics will try to turn the tables on you | They will say things like "Maybe I'm not the one with the problem" or "Maybe you're the one who needs help" |
| Alcoholics will try to gaslight you | They will say things like "That never happened" or "You're making things up" |
| Alcoholics will try to project their issues onto you | They will say things like "You're the one with the drinking problem" or "You're the one who's always causing trouble" |
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What You'll Learn
Alcoholism is a progressive disease
The transition from alcohol abuse to dependence is often subtle, and an alcoholic may try to blame their drinking on others. They rarely listen past the first sentence, especially if it is something they do not want to hear. They may lure family members into a merry-go-round of senseless, sometimes inane questioning, and the frustration level can become unbearable as nothing is accomplished.
As the disease progresses, a person's life becomes overwhelmingly dominated by the need to consume alcohol. Their daily routine revolves around the constant need for alcohol, frequently leading to neglect of personal connections, work, and self-care. They may feel a profound separation from reality, as their behaviour and thoughts are influenced mainly by the urge to consume alcohol. Typically, this phase is linked with feelings of hopelessness and despair, as the individual may find it difficult to envision a solution to their addiction without assistance from experts.
The chronic phase of alcoholism represents a severe stage where physical and psychological dependencies are deeply entrenched, and the person may experience significant health, social, and legal problems as a result of their drinking. Health issues can range from liver disease to neurological impairments. Social consequences often include strained relationships and isolation. Legal troubles might arise from DUIs or other alcohol-related offences. In this stage, the individual’s ability to function in daily life without alcohol is severely compromised.
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Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain)
Loving someone with Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) can be challenging. It can be difficult to know what to do to minimize conflict and stress, support your loved one, and tend to your needs simultaneously.
Communication with an alcoholic can be complex, and it can be frustrating and futile to engage with them. They may try to blame their drinking on circumstances or those around them. They may lure you into senseless questioning, and the level of frustration can become unbearable as nothing is accomplished. The alcoholic rarely listens past the first sentence, especially if it is something they do not want to hear. They would prefer negative attention to no attention at all.
In such situations, it is important to remember the JADE acronym: Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. This means that you don't have to explain your actions or defend yourself against false accusations. By not engaging in arguments, you maintain control of your actions and reactions. You can choose to disengage calmly, relay what you need to say briefly and clearly, and refuse to be sucked back into a discussion you feel is completed.
Remember, it is not about backing down or saying nothing at all. Instead, focus on taking the necessary actions to ensure a safe, happy, and healthy environment for yourself and any children in your care.
Additionally, it is important to protect children from exposure to alcohol and disrespectful behaviour. Growing up in a home with alcohol use can have lasting impacts.
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You can't have a rational conversation with an active alcoholic
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a complex issue for family members and loved ones of those suffering from it. It can be difficult to know what to do to minimize conflict and stress, support your loved one, and tend to your own needs at the same time. Alcoholics often try to blame their drinking on circumstances or those around them. They rarely listen past the first sentence, especially if it is something they do not want to hear. The disease clouds their thinking, preventing them from seeing things as they are and from appreciating others' thoughts, feelings, or perspectives.
Alcoholics may try to engage their loved ones in banter and lure them into a merry-go-round of senseless, sometimes inane questioning. This can lead to explosive, engaging diatribes that accomplish nothing and leave both parties feeling frustrated. Small amounts of alcohol can cause initial feelings of relaxation, but alcohol also suppresses activity in parts of the brain associated with inhibition. As a result, people are more likely to find themselves in confrontational situations. The more they drink, the higher the chance of feelings of tension and anxiety that could lead to arguments.
It is common for people to feel that they have to accept what the alcoholic is saying or feel frustrated trying to make them understand. However, engaging in arguments with an alcoholic is futile. Loved ones can calmly disengage from the pattern by relaying what they need to say once or twice with brevity and clarity. They can choose not to be lured into discussions that they feel are completed. Walking away from an argument can be a creative way to exit it.
It is important to remember that the alcoholic might sense a fear of losing you and come to realize that there is no satisfaction in arguing with someone who doesn't argue back. By not engaging, you are in control of your own actions and reactions.
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Alcohol clouds the thinking of alcoholics
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a condition where people cannot stop drinking, even if their alcohol consumption upends their lives and the lives of those around them. Alcoholic thinking refers to the thought patterns of drinkers who are still high-functioning and haven't hit "rock bottom". It is characterized by a collection of cognitive processes and behaviours that can predispose individuals to alcoholism or can be a result of chronic alcohol use. Alcoholic thinking can manifest as denial of the severity of the addiction, minimization of the impact of alcohol on one's life, blame-shifting to external factors or individuals, rationalizations, justifications, and an altered perception of reality that supports the continuation of drinking despite negative consequences.
Alcoholic thinking often involves an inability to control one's intake, living in denial about self-destructive or harmful activities, and being able to explain away or excuse harmful actions. It is also characterized by the ability to persuade oneself that falsehood is the truth. Alcoholics generally cannot understand the damage alcohol is doing to their lives or that alcohol is at the root of their issues. Continuous, excessive alcohol drinking clouds one's judgment. Alcoholics often cannot see the truth of their predicament because of their sense of entitlement, stubbornness, and manipulation.
Alcohol affects the brain, influencing behaviour, thinking, and emotions. It can make people more emotional and put them in a good mood in non-threatening situations, which may encourage them to keep drinking. Research on how alcohol affects decision-making helps explain how these mood changes can lead to patterns of thinking associated with alcoholism. Alcohol can harm the brain, especially in young people, making them more likely to develop AUD when they are older. Drinking a lot during this important time can also change how the brain develops and how well people think, feel, and socialize, causing long-term problems.
Studies have shown a link between alcohol and aggression, including verbal aggression that can lead to arguments. Alcohol suppresses activity in parts of the brain associated with inhibition, so individuals are less likely to notice warning signals and are more likely to find themselves in confrontational situations. The more one drinks, the higher the chance it can cause feelings of tension and anxiety that could lead to arguments.
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Alcohol lowers inhibitions, making it harder to think straight
Alcohol lowers inhibitions and impairs judgment, which can make it harder to think straight and lead to bad decisions. When a person consumes alcohol, their brain starts to release dopamine, which is a feel-good chemical. Heavy drinking can cause an excessive release of dopamine, to the extent that the brain can no longer differentiate between good and bad decisions. This can lead to risky behaviours, such as risky sexual behaviours, self-harm, or even suicide. Alcohol also affects the part of the brain that controls inhibition, making people feel more relaxed, less anxious, and more confident. However, these effects are temporary and can quickly turn into negative feelings such as anger, depression, or anxiety.
Additionally, alcohol slows down the brain's information-processing capabilities, making it challenging to understand one's true feelings and the potential consequences of one's actions. This can result in increased tension and anxiety, leading to arguments and verbal aggression. It is important to recognize that engaging with an alcoholic can be futile and frustrating. They may try to blame their drinking on others and lure family members into senseless questioning. Instead of engaging in arguments, it is recommended to calmly disengage and focus on relaying your message with brevity and clarity.
Loving someone with an alcohol use disorder (AUD) can be challenging, and it is important to set boundaries and prioritize your own well-being. It is common for individuals with AUD to conceal their alcohol consumption to avoid intervention. They may also try to justify their drinking by blaming it on external circumstances or the people around them. Recognizing these patterns can help in breaking the cycle of dependence and enabling your loved one to take steps toward recovery.
Alcohol's impact on the brain is complex, and even small amounts can affect memory and judgment. Studies have shown that inhibition may be impaired before other brain functions, so a person may experience lowered inhibitions before realizing they are affected. This can lead to confrontational situations and impaired decision-making. It is important to understand that alcohol can affect people differently, and while some may believe small amounts are harmless, it is crucial to be mindful of its potential impact on inhibition and judgment.
Overall, alcohol lowers inhibitions by affecting the brain's chemistry, impairing judgment and decision-making abilities, and increasing the risk of negative consequences. Recognizing these effects can help individuals make more informed choices about their alcohol consumption and support loved ones struggling with alcohol use.
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Frequently asked questions
Alcohol clouds the thinking of alcoholics and prevents them from seeing things from your perspective.
They might say things like "I'm always letting you down," "I can't do anything right," or "You just want to leave me."
You can politely but firmly shut down the conversation and agree to discuss it when they are sober, or physically remove yourself from the situation.
JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain. It is a knee-jerk reaction to feeling attacked and often pulls you into an argument that may not have existed if you hadn't engaged.
Set clear boundaries, encourage them to seek treatment, don't take their behaviour personally, and remember that you can't fix their problem through love alone.
